| Home | Angels |
Diet
|
Doctrine
|
Family Devotions
|
Happy, Joyous & Free
|
Money
|
Prayer | Prophecy | Spirituality |
|
How To Find A Good Christian Wife, And Keep Her! |
Chapter: 5 The Key To Understanding Women, Listen
And Understand!!!
James 1:19 NIV my dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, I confess, I still have that problem and have to make a conscious daily to listen before I speak. The bible says, to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Steven Covey, in the "Seven habits of Hghly Succesful People," paraphrased it , "Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood." When meeting a lady for the first time, it is very important to listen to what she is saying. Listening is critical. The things she says will tell you who she is and what she wants out of life. One of the biggest complaints that women have about men, is that they never listen, and oftentimes that complaint is valid. One of the biggest reasons for this is that most men think in abstract terms of facts and figures, black and white, right or wrong, and like Sergeant Friday they want “just the facts mam!!! Women on the other hand have been given by God the gifts of compassion, love and emotion. When they speak they often interject feelings along with the facts, which most men try to filter out so they can hear just the facts. To a lady how she feels or felt when something happened is just as important, if not more important than what actually happened. So most men do not listen to a great portion of what a woman says, discarding it as useless prattle. This is a mistake if you want to have a fulfilling and lasting relationship with your girlfriend, fiancee or wife. If anything, when talking with a lady you should practice being especially alert to pick up on her feelings. Women are intuitive, sensitive, emotional beings who follow their feelings; they know about intimacy naturally. Men on the other hand are more inclined to be thinking, intellectual, analytical creatures who are easily confused by what appear to be women’s conflicting signals and ambiguous communications. Communication
Men communicate through language with the intention of providing information and solving problems. Women on the other hand are not as interested in solving problems as they are in expressing their feelings. Women communicate with the intention of being understood and to establish intimacy. When men get together they will often spend their time talking about solutions to their problems or boasting about their exploits to bolster their egos. Whereas when women get together they spend their time comparing problems, and empathizing with one another. Women talk about their feelings and share the most intimate details of their lives with each other, while men tend to choke down their emotions and discuss problems in impersonal abstract terms. To get good at relating to women you need to learn how to talk to women the same way they talk to each other. Share your opinions, offer her insight into your personality, and add feelings to the basic facts you discover about each other. To be a great conversationalist you need to stop trying to be interesting and be interested. To be an interesting speaker, be enthusiastic about your message, gesture with your hands, move toward your listener, let your face express your feelings, speak up (no mumbling), use humor frequently, present your comments smoothly and efficiently, and always, always, always, when talking with women look for the drama and human interest in what you are saying. There are times though when it is wise to keep your voice low and quiet, and that is when you are in a romantic situation, like a dark and quiet lounge after a movie. That’s not the time for speech making techniques. That’s the time to pretend you are a Latin lover. Use the lepards technique. Listen, Empathize, Paraphrase, Ask, Reply, Describe, Suggest. Listen to what she says. Empathize by getting into her shoes. Paraphrase what she is telling you as she unravels her story. Ask her questions to show how interested you are. Reply to any questions she may have. Describe a situation that puts you into her life. Suggest to her what might be her next step, which includes you of course. Suggest to her possible scenarios in which you can be a part of her story. What If There Is A Lull In The Conversation?
One method of getting someone to continue speaking or to reveal more information is to play dumb. Act confused and helpless, appear to have trouble understanding, stammer, use the wrong words, ask for help. Rural folks have been using this method to get the best of city slickers for years, “well gee whiz mister, I’m just a poor country boy, this is all too much for me, could you say that again?” Use this sparingly though, you don’t want to look so stupid she loses interest in you. This is only to get a conversation going again when it has run out of gas and your mind has went blank. Here are a few suggested phrases designed to keep your new friend talking, so you don’t have to. Interesting, I hadn’t looked at it that way. Please go on. I’m sure dealing with.......isn’t easy. What is ........like? Tell me why you want to do.....instead of doing....... Why is ......so important to you? It sounds to me like you feel....... Which would you prefer, x or y? You’re saying that you need....... I don’t understand..... I want to make sure I understand this, explain to me....... Silence....... Focus On Feelings
The woman is bred right from the beginning to be soft, caring, innocent, loving, protecting and mothering. They are brought up to attend to the wants and comforts of someone. Their first toys are usually baby dolls which they care for and gently handle. Boys on the other hand get toy tanks, army soldiers, race cars and motorcycles, toy guns, swords, knives, bows and arrows. Everything that teaches aggressive “take what you want by force,” behavior. Then we grow up and carry this behavior over into our relationships. As men we are brought up to be logical. Analyze everything, look at it from all sides. Take it apart and put it back together. If it is broke, fix it. If we don’t know how to fix it we will look like a fool to other men. We are supposed to know how everything works in this world. We are supposed to have the right answer for everything. It is expected of us. A woman thinks from the heart. She thinks and feels at the same time. She thinks emotionally. She doesn’t feel the need to have the right answer for Everything like a man does, and the answer to the same question doesn’t have to be the same every time. For a woman the answer depends on how she feels today, not how she felt last week, yesterday, or an hour ago. This is difficult for a man to understand, he wants to have one right answer for every question and have the same answer every time for a lifetime. That makes life simple. But, it is essential to understand the way a woman thinks. This understanding is power in your hands. Women, more so than men see the world through emotion tinted glasses. They define their experiences less by the facts than by emotional impact. If you, as a fact and solution oriented male want to have maximum impact on a woman, you need to focus on the feelings behind what she is saying. All too often when a woman relates a problem to a man his focus is on information collecting, who, what, when, where, why, and how rather than her emotions. For example, if a woman tells a man that her car has been in the shop for two weeks and she has to get friends and family to take her everywhere, the man will usually respond by asking “what’s wrong with the car?” However, if he were smart and looked at the situation from the standpoint of emotions, he would probably say something like this: “you seem like an independent person, it must be frustrating to depend on others to take you everywhere.” At this point she may think to herself “hey, this guy is different, he really understands me.” A woman doesn’t give two hoots whether the problem was the knuten valve or the muffler bearing. It’s her inconvenience and how she feels about it that is the key in this conversation. Reflection And Mirroring
One way to zero in and find out how a woman feels is to summarize what she has said and repeat it back to her to be sure you really do understand what she is saying and feeling. Very often you will find you have been mistaken and what you thought she said is not what she meant at all. Because of this many relationships fail needlessly, because the woman feels her man doesn’t understand her, and she is right, he never has, and if he doesn’t change, he will never understand any woman. Use the best word you can to describe a persons feelings. Rather than just saying you were upset weren’t you, try other more colorful words like you were; annoyed, blue, crushed, despairing, exasperated, infuriated, melancholy, pressured, heartbroken, shocked, or tense. Make it game to try to pinpoint a lady’s exact emotion, give yourself an “a” Every time a lady says, yes, that’s exactly how I was feeling at the time. You will be doing three good things at the same time here, learning to understand a woman’s feelings, increasing your vocabulary, and being a good listener and a friend. When talking with a woman, Every few minutes make sure you understand what her meaning is by mirroring what you think she said. We mirror back the lady’s meaning, although not her exact words. (example; OK, you’re feeling (emotion) because of (reason), true? By doing this you will find out if you interpreted what she said correctly or not. Your goal is to rephrase, with as little distortion as possible, the other persons actual meaning, and to do it in a tone that is neutral and non judgmental. You form a hypothesis about the other persons meaning and feelings and then test its accuracy by verbalizing it and allowing the lady to confirm or deny. The art of mirroring a conversation is, repeat, rephrase, reflect. Example: speaker: what we are experiencing is that deoxyribonucleic acid mutations may be come inherited traits. You: so then, the problem is that deoxyribonucleic acid mutations may be come inherited traits. (I understand that perfectly.) Or (that is absolutely clear.) May be added for emphasis. Once you become skilled at reflection you will be amazed at how well it works.” Our goal with reflection is to improve the speed and accuracy of our analysis of the ladies we are interested in. Reflection is not something that is used all of the time though. It is work and it only needs to be used when trying to get to know or understand someone or keep the conversation going. If the lady says, “I’m going out to get a burger,” there’s no need to answer with the reflection “you’re saying you feel hungry and need to purchase a burger?” When you want to make sure that the lady understands exactly what you are saying, you can also ask her to reflect what you have said. You can ask her, “just to make sure I said what I wanted to say, will you tell me what you understand my point to be? Another way to look at reflection and the practicing of it is to pretend you are a foreign language translator. Take the persons statement and translate the meaning as accurately as possible (still in English of course) into other words. Don’t inflect any judgment, questioning or bias. Just reword her last statement and say it back to her. When you are using this techniques women will not know why they are so attracted to you, because these techniques work their magic on an unconscious level. When a woman finds you attractive and you are attracted to her, viola, sexual chemistry is ignited. Mirror her voice. Mirror her phrases and expressions. Mirror her body language, like dancing, only with her leading and you following. Mirror her facial expressions. Soon you will be so in sync with the woman you are mirroring you will actually be able to feel what she is feeling. You will get inside her mind and body and know intuitively what she is thinking. When you can understand the feelings of your 80 year old grandmother and your 12 year old sister or grandchild, and summarize them in a short sentence, you will have come a long way towards realizing your goal of being able to understand the ladies and be sought after by them to enjoy your company. When with a new lady friend keep the tone of conversation light and spontaneous; it should feel like a game. Conversation is a tool you use to influence the woman of your choice, keep your eye on the ball. The best way to find out what will please another person is to listen. Focus on her, listen to her, watch her reactions, observe her body language, and then use the information you collect to direct your comments to the most fruitful areas of conversation. Don’t talk about your troubles and problems. If you are attracted to her these topics are romance killers. Be a little mysterious. Don’t bare your soul and tell all of your secrets in the first 5 minutes or on the first date. Let her find out something new and positive about you for years to come. This will keep your relationship new and interesting, hopefully for a lifetime. Women respond best to a confident natural relationship building process that makes them feel like a person, not a hunted animal. The most important thing to remember is that you need to seek out contact with the opposite sex as often as possible regardless of whether or not the particular woman is “your type.” The practice in dealing with the ladies will prepare you for the day when you want to woo and win miss right. The more confident you are with women, the more confident they will be in you. To women, confidence, (not arrogance) communicates intelligence, strength, and character, all very attractive qualities. The Magic Question
In today's fast-paced, everything's possible, instant global access world we live in, most people have more freedom and opportunity than in any period in history. We can virtually do almost anything, go anywhere or be whatever we want. The paradox is that many people don't know what they want for their life. Most have only a vague or incoherent image of their future. You can help. By asking one magic question, you can help other people (and yourself) to clarify what's important for their future. The question is called a 'future review' question. Here's how it works: ask the people around you, "if you and I were meeting here three years from today, and you were looking back over the three year period, what must have happened during that time to make you happy with your progress?" It's as easy as that. And what do you do next? Just sit back and listen very attentively. You have just asked that other person to describe their preferred future. Some people will respond immediately with the enthusiasm of someone who is painting a portrait of their life as they desire it to be. Many others will have difficulty answering this question. Some may not want to tell you. In any case, their response will tell you volumes about them. Let's look at the possibilities. With those people who readily answer your question, you will likely have an interesting conversation about what is most important to them and what would make them satisfied. In those cases where you can add something to their preferred future, or where you can help them achieve their desired results, you have the basis for a long and satisfying friendship or relationship. In cases where you cannot help them, perhaps you can recommend a resource who can. With people who have difficulty answering your future review question, help them by asking a series of smaller questions. Help them articulate the things that are important to them. Ask what they would like to do, where they would like to go, what they would like to have. Ask how they would prefer spending their time, what kind of people they want to be with, and so on. This can be a very creative and stimulating discussion. It's not unusual for someone to have a fuzzy or incomplete image of their short term future. This is not, after all, how most of us were taught to think. Yet, one of the greatest services you can perform for these people is to coach them to think through and talk about their desired outcomes. And, here again, if you can help make their future come true for them, you have just established the foundation for a great relationship. What about the people who refuse to answer your future review question? Their unwillingness to answer likely means one of two things. First, their commitment may be to the past, not the future. They may not have thought about their future as something where they have any influence. Secondly, their unwillingness to share their desired future with you may indicate a lack of trust. In either case, you have no basis for a relationship. Some people don't have the courage or desire to dream, or they don't trust you enough to share their thoughts with you. Don't waste your time. Move on to someone else. When should you ask the future review question? Think of it this way. When do you want to know if you have a basis for a mutually satisfying relationship? Ask early and ask often. How useful would it be to ask this same question of friends and family? What might you learn? For starters, you'll learn what would make them happy. You then have the most wonderful opportunity to help them pursue the desired future that will bring happiness to them. Instead of second-guessing what it would take for your friend or family member to be happy and satisfied, ask. You'll not only have the fun of helping make their dreams come true, but just asking the magic question of friends and family creates the most fascinating conversations. The future review question is not really a magic question. It just works like magic. And, by the way, it works not just for the people around you. It works for you, too. Let me ask you a question. "if you and I were meeting here three years from today, and you were looking back over the three year period, what must have happened during that time to make you happy with your progress?" Your turn. Listening Habits
Science has shown that almost any new behavior repeated for 30 days will become a habit. So commit yourself to listening without interrupting for the next 30 days. Once it becomes a habit it will become effortless. The woman of your dreams is waiting to meet a man who is open emotionally. Someone who is understanding, willing, and able to express his feelings. She also expects you to understand her feelings. If you just appear to have these qualities you are 99% of the way there. If they feel you are trying, they will be more than willing to give you a chance. OK, we have met a lady, joined her, and opened and are continuing a conversation with her. What next? Now we have to get her to see things our way, to get her to listen to reason, but we may have to let her think its all her idea, or that its only the natural thing to do. Chapter 6: > 6. Persuasion |