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How To Find A Good Christian Wife, And Keep Her! |
Chapter 4: The Art of Conversation Prov 15:1 NIV A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Now that we are seated next to this beautiful lady we have to keep the ball rolling. If we freeze up now and pull ourselves into a shell like a turtle all of our work so far will have been for naught. We already took a chance on rejection and made it through unscathed, so what next? Next we have to talk with her and get her to enjoy our company, and to trust us. Success in conversation contributes to success in life. Studies have shown that a common trait of the wealthy is a wealth of friends and associates. When you are beginning a new conversation with someone you are interested in knowing more about, lean forward rather than physically retreating or backing off slightly. Many of us do this without realizing it. Put some enthusiasm or emotion into your voice, let the other person know they are making a positive impact on you. Nothing gets a new conversation off to a better start than enthusiasm and interest in the other party. If your goal is to make friends, it is done far more efficiently by showing interest in others than by attempting to coax others into being interested in you. Remember the old saying, if you are bored, you are probably boring, to be interesting, you have to be interested. Pressure is a key concept here. You don’t want the woman to feel any stress or discomfort here, if she does she may try to escape. Conversation Starters 1. Look for commonalities. (things you can discuss that you are both familiar with) 2. Comment on something she is wearing that tells something about her. (a pin, a ring, a saying on a shirt, a tattoo, etc.) 4. Don’t interrupt. Let the other person finish before you interject your comments. 5. See if there is anything in the present topic you want to know more about. 6. What things do you do well? 7. What place do you most enjoy being? (or, what’s your favorite vacation spot?) 8. What’s your greatest achievement in life? 9. Who are the three people who influenced you most in life? 10. What are the three things in life you believe to be most important? 11. What are your two major goals for the next four years? 12. List three words to describe yourself in ten years. 13. Where would you like to be (1, 2, or 3) years from now? 14. Tell me more... 15. What do you think about...... 16. When was the happiest time in your life? 17. If you had 3 wishes what would you wish for. Questions are a good way to stimulate conversation. Remember to ask, who, what, where, why and when. Remember, this is only to initiate a conversation when talking with a woman, to find a starting point and then let her talk. If you ask questions continuously you will come off as too pushy and too nosy. With other men in a work meeting, its OK to continuously ask the five “w’s, but not with a woman you have just met.” (Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How) Find out what church or synagogue she belongs to and then try to relate it to yours. See what values she has and try to relate them to your values. When talking to people who just moved nearby or changed jobs ask what made them decide to take on such an upheaval in their our life. Ask how they like it so far? (her job or the area) Look for general background information. Where did she go to school or college? Was she born here or in another town or out of state? Talk about things that interest the other person. Don’t force an artsy person to listen to your life story as an accountant or vice versa. Show a keen interest and genuine to get to know the personality of the woman you’re with. Remember, when you’re talking with a lady, listening to her, and beginning to understand her, there’s no need to judge, argue or criticize. You’re just getting to know the person, you don’t have to try to convert them to your way of thinking or try to solve all of their problems with your brilliant wisdom. Just listen, and offer your opinion when it is asked for, but Even then, don’t get on a soapbox and start orating like a senator whenever you have the chance. Don’t criticize anything she is talking about or try to judge her beliefs. Women love to talk about themselves, so be a good listener, no matter how boring it may be. A woman is seldom happier than when she is talking about herself. But, as for you, do what the bible says, think before you speak. (Prov 15:28 NCV) Good people think before they answer, but the wicked simply pour out evil. (Prov 22:21 NCV) I am teaching you true and reliable words so that you can give true answers to anyone who asks. (Prov 24:26 NIV) An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. (Prov 17:28 NIV) Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. (Prov 29:20 NIV) Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Perhaps she shows a moderate interest in music. You can ask her what kind of music she likes, which artist or group is her favorite, why does she like them, and what concerts has she been to. Even if you’ve said very little, she will come away from such a discussion thinking, “what an interesting guy.” That’s the strange thing about helping someone talk about their interests, they always come away thinking you were an interesting person. The primary secret to being a good conversationalist is to discover what the other party wants to talk about and let them express their feelings on the subject. Work a conversation like a prospector, dig here and dig there until you find a vein of gold. The setting you and your new lady friend are in is another great source of topics. Look around. Where are you, why are you here, what is unusual about the place, what’s good about it, what’s bad about it? Get in the habit of observing your surroundings for possible topics. Another thing to be careful of is focusing on yourself ad infinitum. If Every turn in the conversation leads to I, me mine my, your conversation partner will soon become bored unless they are worshipping you as a God. Remember the two rules of the universe; (1). There is a God. (2). It’s not you. Another thing to watch yourself for is bringing Every topic around to your pet belief. Soon people will already know where the conversation is going to lead with you and will look to escape from your boring monologues. One good question to ask a lady when she is telling you about some experience is to ask her, “how did you feel” when that was happening. “how did you feel” is a great question to take the pressure off of you from carrying the conversation for a long time. If it fits in the scheme of things you can also use or follow up with, “can you give me an example? Some people are merciless in wanting to talk about the big, the serious, the profound. Small talk is just that, something to put people at ease, pass time pleasantly, and familiarize yourself with others. Its like a snack compared to a 7 course meal. Save the heavy stuff for people you know well and who wish to engage in this type of discussion. Don’t do it with new acquaintances. Be a fun person. You can talk about world hunger, your uncle who died of a brain tumor, or your recent divorce some other time. Show her some energy. She’s not going to be attracted to an angry, depressed, tired guy. Everything you say and do should tell her “I’m having a great time and I enjoy being with you. “ Don’t talk too long before you let her have the floor again. One renowned conversationalist made it a point never to speak longer than 30 seconds. The possibility of boredom increases with story length. In most cases listeners start to lose interest after about 200 words. Collect stories and anecdotes as if they were gemstones. When you have something interesting or funny happen in your life write it down. Jokes too. Conversations are alive, they branch, the twist, they turn. A good conversationalist tries to get ahead of his conversational partner by looking deeper than most people. Topics don’t last forever, the run out of steam and die off. Let them go, and be ready to branch out on a new one. When Talking About Problems Whether you can believe it or not, most beautiful women have more problems than regular people. So listen to her problems and be sympathetic. People love sympathy, they eat it up. Steer as far away from your problems as possible. Talk about her problems. When you do make disclosures about yourself they should generally be positive and not too heavy. Let her do the heavy talking, at least at the start. When a lady decides to open up to you and share her life you are forming a bond together. She is beginning to trust herself with you and look for your input. Remember, the best thing you can do in most cases is let the person themself arrive at their own conclusion. Don’t try to give them a map of what you would do in their shoes unless that is what they specifically ask for. And Even if they do come right out and ask your opinion always give positive reinforcement before constructive criticism. Some questions you can ask a woman, or any friend with problems for that matter are listed below. Sometimes just having them verbalize things they are wrestling with will help more than any amount of good advice you can give, because the advice comes from within themselves. What’s the best thing that could happen?. (if you followed that course of action) What’s the worst thing that could happen? “ What’s your plan to deal with this situation? You don’t look like you have a lot of confidence in this plan. What are you thinking? When was the worst time in your life? If money was no object, what would you do? What would you do differently if you could do it over again? What do you think God would want you to do? Or, how do you think the Lord views this situation? What can you do to make sure you don’t get into the same situation again? If I were you I wouldn’t want to make the decision based on only the information you have today. I don’t think you can solve that issue here today. We need to keep studying it for awhile. That’s one way of doing it, and it might be a good way, but it may not be the best way. (a way to disagree with some conclusion without saying the other person is wrong) I think I’m definitely in agreement with that. Let’s discuss it further. (to be used when someone finally repeats what you have been saying for the last hour and a half) We’ve made a lot of progress, but there is still room for more improvement. Treat Problems As Opportunities Whenever Possible Use the word opportunity, rather than “problem when it fits.” A problem is just an opportunity in disguise. Let’s not look at this as a detriment, (inconvenience, disadvantage, drawback, obstacle) let’s view it as an opportunity. Avoid Arguing Avoid arguing with a new female acquaintance. You may not care what some guy you never met before thinks of you when you argue with him about whether unions are good or bad, but you don’t want a lady you are interested in to think you are a jerk ten minutes after meeting you. If you find yourself drawn in an argument without realizing it, get out of it as soon as possible. Let her talk without interruption until she is completely out of gas. Let her win and then change the subject, if you want to see her again. Try keep the conversation light for the rest of the evening. When People Are Angry And Irate One reason to avoid arguing is because it leads to anger, which is not a good way to either start a relationship or keep one going. Proverbs 29:11 NIV) a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Ecclesiastics 7:9 NIV) do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. (Ephesians 4:26 & 31 NIV) "in your anger do not sin" : do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with Every form of malice. Let an angry person talk without interruption until they are absolutely out of wind. Then empathize, saying you understand their position, and complaint. Only after this give your own point of view, or if possible just let the subject die and go on to something else. I personally know one couple who have been married for 30 years who literally will not go to sleep unless they get over their anger at one another first. They both say there have been many long nights with no sleep, but arguments are always ended before sleep finally comes. Lies And Deception Prov 19:22 NIV what a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar. John 8:44 NIV you belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Rev 21:8 NIV but the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." No matter how thin you slice baloney, it’s still baloney, and one of the biggest mistakes a man can make is getting caught in a lie. None of us like being lied to, but women especially hate it because once trust is broken they will always think you are lying to them or cheating on them. Two of our former Presidents one republican and one democrat, were both impeached (without convictions, one resigned) not for what they did, but for lying. Lying is just not a good thing. It is seldom necessary to lie anyway if you are honest in your dealings with the ladies. Occasionally one will try to pry information out of you that is none of their business, and you may be tempted to lie to end the conversation. Don’t do it. Tell the lady simply that she is out of line asking those kind of personal questions at this stage in the relationship. This is especially critical if she is asking you about other women you may be dating. If you try to lie out of it she will find out sooner or later and then your relationship with her will be weakened by your being caught lying. Either tell her the truth or don’t tell her anything, except that it is none of her business at this stage in the relationship. Whatever you do, don’t lie. Don’t talk about your other girlfriends or old girlfriends to your present date. It won’t do anything to make you more desirable in her eyes to know about your past and present loves. Talking about other women can make your date uncomfortable. How would you like it if a lady you were with was always talking about her ex boyfriends whether good or bad? Make your date the center of your attention for the evening. Make her feel special, like she is the only woman in your life. Maybe she will be soon. Women in the 90’s have had all of the lies and bullspit they could stand before they met you. They are not in need of any more of it. Be different, be honest. Be confident, convincing and truthful. Stick to the truth and you cant go wrong. Ladies are looking for a guy who is honest and truthful, not selfish, means what he says, is courteous, and someone with a set of values. OK, wow we are doing great, we met a lady and have a conversation going. What do we do with this conversation now? Now we have to begin to understand the lady, and see if she is someone you are really interested in, and if she is we need to have her begin to like and trust us. (Prov 15:23 NCV) People enjoy giving good advice. Saying the right word at the right time is so pleasing. Chapter 5: > 5. Keys to Understanding Women |