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How To Find A Good Christian Wife, And Keep Her! |
Chapter 12: Remarriage
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that remarriage is the answer to all your problems. Remarriage in fact involves the creation of a lot of new problems. Whenever you have two people together you have twice as many problems as one person, but you can also have twice as many good times to offset the problems. Second and subsequent marriages fail at an even higher rate than first marriages so go into it expecting problems and being prepared to deal with them without running for the nearest divorce lawyer. Expect problems and prepare yourself before you remarry to deal with them. Now that we have arrived at the point of being able to find a new woman to spend the rest of our life with we need to know what God’s word says about keeping our new marriage together. No matter what mistakes you have made in the past up to this point, forget about them, they are water under the bridge so to speak. There is nothing we can do about the past now. As the saying goes, there no sense crying over spilt milk. The only thing we can do is to try our best to follow God’s plan for our future. A Time To Be Unmarried
Jer 16:1-4 Then the word of the Lord came to me: "you must not marry and have sons or daughters in this place." For this is what the Lord says about the sons and daughters born in this land and about the women who are their mothers and the men who are their fathers: "they will die of deadly diseases. They will not be mourned or buried but will be like refuse lying on the ground. They will perish by sword and famine, and their dead bodies will become food for the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth." There are times in our lives when the Lord wills for us to be single for our own good. God was not intending to punish his servant Jeremiah by forbidding him to marry while he lived in Israel. To the contrary he wanted to spare him the grief of suffering and sadness of losing a wife and children in the war and famine that was coming upon the nation at that time. Jeremiah was not commanded to abstain from marriage forever though, only while in that place. God promised Jeremiah that someday he would be permitted to build and to plant and although it is not recorded in the bible what happened to him after he escaped from Egypt we know that God always fulfills his word and that God blessed Jeremiah after the war and famine was over. Somehow God fulfilled his word to Jeremiah, since he promised it, and God cannot lie. (Titus 1:2 KJV) In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began; In Irish folklore it is commemorated that Jeremiah migrated to Ireland and married and had sons and daughters and was Counsellor to the king and a well respected elder in the community and for that reason it is said that there is and have been so many people named Jerry, Jeremiah, and Jeremy in the history of Ireland. Jeremiah’s grave is still there to this day. Whether or not this is true or just folklore is unknown, but one way or another we can be sure that god fulfilled his word to Jeremiah. At times, if the time is not right in God’s plan we just may have to keep growing and learning and prepare for the time when God will permit us to marry with no sadness attached. Jeremiah could have willfully disobeyed God and married and had children, but his sons and daughters would have died because God has to fulfill his word, and Jeremiah would have been grief stricken and heartbroken, after he caused his own problems by disobeying the Lord’s command. But, Jeremiah followed God’s plan and avoided that misfortune, and, even if God had never permitted him to marry, he would still have had a happier life, even if not the happiest, by obeying God and avoiding needless extra sorrow, sadness and grief in this short life. So then, lets use our single time to grow spiritually and prepare for the time when God will let us enter into a new union with the opposite sex that is blessed by him. This just may be the time in your life to learn the things that will make your next serious relationship last for a lifetime. It just may be reading this is what God has been waiting for you to do before he blesses you with a wife, because he wants your upcoming marriage to last for as long as you live. Divorced People Should Remarry Rather Than Live
In Sin
1 Cor 7:27-28 art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? Seek not a wife. But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 NIV now for the matters you wrote about: it is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:7-9 NIV I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. For some, the only way to flee from sexual immorality is to be married. Once you are divorced you are unmarried and therefore should follow the advice above if it pertains to your situation. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Paul taught that it was good for a person to remain unmarried if they had control over their sexual desires. If not, then they should marry. Don’t make the mistake though of just marrying anyone who might be available to you and by so doing get into another bad situation that will lead to misery or divorce. Find some one to marry that first of all is a friend, who is someone you can trust, and who is someone you love, in that order. Paul counsels the younger widows to remarry. 1 Tim 5:11 & 14 NIV As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander. Paul also taught that those who are married should not deprive each other of their marital rights. He taught that the wife’s body belonged to the husband, and the husbands body belonged to the wife. In marriage, each partner has rights to their spouses body. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Marital unfaithfulness may also include the refusal of one partner to render to the other partner their marital right, sexual intercourse. A refusal by one partner to provide their spouse with the physical rights of marriage has the effect of forcing the other to commit adultery. The guilt for this lies with the refusing partner. Refusal by one partner to meet the physical needs of the other is in effect adultery, and possibly grounds for divorce. Now this does not mean that a person has to say yes every time the other person has a desire. Sexual intercourse is like worship, one occurrence per week, three times a month is enough to maintain the marriage. This is not a command to hold it down to this amount, married couples may enjoy each other as much as they mutually desire. This is only a minimum standard set to assure that a person is not guilty of violating the marriage contract and forcing the other person to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere. I mention this because there are some people who treat their spouses badly, refuse sexual intercourse to their partner, and then say, “it wasn’t my fault” I didn’t file for the divorce.” They are playing games and are just as responsible for the divorce if not more so than the other party. On the day they stand before Christ, they will be judged "Guilty" for at lest 50% of the divorce, and lose eternal rewards. I say three times a month for sexual frequency because God, in the old testament commanded people to abstain from sexual intercourse during the time of a woman’s monthly cycle. Therefore, once a week, with the exception of the period week, should be the minimum for sexual relations. Lev 15:19 NIV "'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till Evening. Make It Your Absolute Goal To Make Your Next
Marriage Last A Lifetime
After you have come through your problems and God has blessed you with a new life and a new wife make it your absolute goal to follow his word this time around and make this marriage last for the rest of your life. Put into your marriage whatever amount of time it takes to make it work. Eccl 5:4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; A marriage is a vow before God, and God has no pleasure in dealing with fools who take their marriage vows before him lightly. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NIV To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): a wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. Paul taught that if a person desires a divorce after coming to faith in Christ, and learning what his word teaches, (for a reason other than infidelity) then they must be sure in their own mind that they will have control over their own body and remain unmarried without committing sexual immorality. I'm sure most of you reading this didn't have a clue about all of the verses in the bible pertaining to the subject of marriage. Indeed, there are many more. I have only scrached the surface of the bibles teaching on marriage. Read through it (The Bible) cover to cover and find out the rest of the story. At any rate, since you didn't know all of this stuff before, God will wash away your past mistakes with the blood of Christ. Just make it your goal to do the right things from this day forward. 1 Corinthians 7:12-13 NIV To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. If one person comes to faith in Christ after they are already married to an unbeliever then they must not separate from their spouse as long as the other person is content to stay together. 1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. If the unbelieving partner leaves then the believer is not bound in such a case, they are free to remarry, but only to another believer, and this marriage is permanent until the death of one of them. Romans 7:2-3 NIV For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, Even though she marries another man. If one of the partners in a marriage dies, the survivor has the right to remarry, but again, only to another believer. 1 Corinthians 7:17 & 20 NIV Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. 1 Corinthians 7:24 & 27-28 NIV Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. Paul taught that each person should remain in the situation they were in when they were called by God, but if they desire to marry it is no sin. Those who are living together or sleeping with someone they are not legally married or engaged to, have a choice to make. They can either marry or separate totally, or at the very least stop sleeping together. If both persons in a relationship come to faith in Christ and are believers then in most cases it is probably best to marry. If one person has become a Christian and the other has not, then total separation is the best thing to do according to the scriptures. Do Not Be Yoked Together With Unbelievers
2 Corinthians 6:14-16 & 18 NIV Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial ? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." "I will be a father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord almighty." Be very careful not to fall in love with someone who doesn’t worship the Lord Jesus Christ, if you are a Christian. If you are not a Christian, be careful not to become involved with a Christian lady. It’s best to stick with dating girls with whom you have a common faith, not necessarily denomination though. It is said that when we get to heaven all of the denominational labels will fall off, and if we go to the other place they will burn off. Who, how, and where you will worship are things that you should discuss and resolve before you remarry. Ask yourselves, what church will we go to? Where will we give our tithes and offerings? To what degree will we be active in the church or other charity work? If you don’t answer and agree on these questions before marriage it will be much more difficult to do it afterward. In the scriptures we are given some examples of how people who disobeyed this directive fell into sin. Judg 3:6 NIV They took their daughters in marriage and gave their own daughters to their sons, and served their Gods. 1 Ki 11:1-13 King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides pharaoh's daughter--Moabites, ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, "you must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their Gods." Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had Seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other Gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the Goddess of the Sidonians, and molech the detestable God of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done. On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable God of Moab, and for molech the detestable God of the ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their Gods. The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other Gods, Solomon did not keep the Lord's command. So the Lord said to Solomon, "since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen." 1 Ki 16:31 NIV He not only considered it trivial to commit the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, but he also married jezebel daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and began to serve Baal and worship him. 2 Ki 8:18 NIV He walked in the ways of the kings of Israel, as the house of Ahab had done, for he married a daughter of Ahab. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord. Neh 13:23 & 25-26 NIV Moreover, in those days I saw men of Judah who had married women from Ashdod, Ammon and Moab. I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat some of the men and pulled out their hair. I made them take an oath in God's name and said: "you are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons, nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for yourselves. Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but Even he was led into sin by foreign women. The verses above are not saying we shouldn’t marry someone from another country or of another race, but not to marry someone who worships other Gods. There is no command in the new testament forbidding us to marry anyone from any ethnic group as long as they are believers. In fact, there never was a command restricting marriage between any gentile group. (a gentile is anyone who is not an Israelite.) Black people, white people, red people, brown people, purple people or any other color have never at any time in history been prohibited from marrying each other. Only Jews and Israelites were not to intermarry, and this for a twofold logical reason. One, because God had prophesied that Jesus Christ would be born from the line of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and two, because the property in Israel was to be passed on only to Israelites from generation to generation. If there were intermarriage the property could fall into the hands of foreigners, which it ultimately did when the Jews rejected Christ. Had they followed Gopd's commands they would have lived there happily for the last 2000 years instead of being scattered all over the world. God's plan always works best. The point is, there is no command in the scriptures forbidding interacial marriage for gentiles. (Non Jews) Don’t Be Led Astray By Anyone
Deu 13:6-8 If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "let us go and worship other Gods" (Gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, Gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), do not yield to him or listen to him. The bottom line is that once you start dating a lot of ladies, don’t be like Solomon and let your heart be enticed to forget about your faith in Jesus Christ to please your girlfriends or even your future wife. 2 Corinthians 7:1 NIV Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from Everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. God has commanded us not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. This command forbids mixed marriages, a believer to an unbeliever. Two believers may marry, and two unbelievers may marry, but not one of each. Mixed marriages have many problems because one partners mind is set on spiritual things, while the other partners mind is set on the things of this world. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NIV I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. Paul taught that if a person had self control they would be better able to serve the Lord being single. This is in no way a command not to marry, only advice to those who have their bodies fully under control. Anyone who has a strong sexual desire should
be married.
1 Corinthians 7:36-38 If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin--this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. To a person who is already married but in a miserable one, you should bear it as long as possible, and pray for the conversion of the partner who is mistreating you. God is fully able to change the person you are married to, or release you from the marriage in some other way, through their desire to leave or through death. You should not pray for their death though, but continue to be kind to that person and pray about the situation until God provides a solution to the problem. As an example we will look at the doings of Abigail, who protected her evil husband, and was rewarded by God for it with his death, and she was then married to David, who was to become the king of Israel. 1 Samuel 25:2-12 NIV a certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. His name was Nabal and his wife's name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband, a Calebite, was surly and mean in his dealings. While David was in the desert, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep. So he sent ten young men and said to them, "go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name. Say to him: 'long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours! "'now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my young men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David Whatever you can find for them.'" when David’s men arrived, they gave Nabal this message in David’s name. Then they waited. Nabal answered David’s servants, "who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?" David's men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported Every word. 1 Samuel 25:13-28 NIV David said to his men, "put on your swords!" So they put on their swords, and David put on his. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies. One of the servants told Nabal’s wife Abigail: "David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us. They did not mistreat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. Night and day they were a wall around us all the time we were herding our sheep near them. Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him." Abigail lost no time. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants, "go on ahead; I’ll follow you." But she did not tell her husband Nabal. As she came riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, there were David and his men descending toward her, and she met them. David had just said, "it's been useless--all my watching over this fellow's property in the desert so that nothing of his was missing. He has paid me back evil for good. May God deal with David, be it Ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to him!" When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground. She fell at his feet and said: "my Lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say. May my Lord pay no attention to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name--his name is fool, and folly goes with him. But as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my master sent. "now since the Lord has kept you, my master, from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, as surely as the Lord lives and as you live, may your enemies and all who intend to harm my master be like Nabal. And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my master, be given to the men who follow you. Please forgive your servant's offense, for the Lord will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my master, because he fights the Lord's battles. Let no wrongdoing be found in you as long as you live. 1 Samuel 25:32-42 NIV David said to Abigail, "praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, who has kept me from harming you, if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak." Then David accepted from her hand what she had brought him and said, "go home in peace. I have heard your words and granted your request." When Abigail went to Nabal, he was in the house holding a banquet like that of a king. He was in high spirits and very drunk. So she told him nothing until daybreak. Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died. When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal’s wrongdoing down on his own head." Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife. His servants went to Carmel and said to Abigail, "David has sent us to you to take you to become his wife." She bowed down with her face to the ground and said, "here is your maidservant, ready to serve you and wash the feet of my master's servants." Abigail quickly got on a donkey and, attended by her five maids, went with David’s messengers and became his wife. Notice that Abigail protected her evil husband Even though she could have just let David and his men have slaughtered her husband and his men. It was custom in that time to let the women and small children live, so she would have known she could have escaped death herself and let her husband die. It was the Lord who struck this evil man, Nabal, with a heart attack so he died, and his wife Abigail, who was both beautiful and intelligent was free to become David’s wife. If she had left her husband before this event happened, she would not have been in the right place at the right time to meet David, the future king of Israel, and become his wife. The Lord blessed Abigail for putting up this evil man for as long as they were married, and he finally freed her from him. Abigail though, did not wind up with Mr. Perfect the second time around the block either. David committed adultery while married to her and had a number of other wives. 1 Sam 27:3 David and his men settled in Gath with Achish. Each man had his family with him, and David had his two wives: Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail of Carmel, the widow of Nabal. 2 Sam 3:2-3 Sons were born to David in Hebron: his firstborn was Amnon the son of Ahinoam of Jezreel; his second, Kileab the son of Abigail the widow of Nabal of Carmel; the third, Absalom the son of Maacah daughter of Talami king of Geshur; It seems clear though that her new situation was a definite improvement over being married to Nabal, and God will no doubt reward her someday in his kingdom for her faithfulness. The partners in a marriage should be kind and forgiving to one another. One act of adultery is not grounds for divorce if the other person asks their spouse to forgive them. Only perpetual adultery, without repentance is grounds for divorce, from Gods viewpoint. Ephesians 4:32 NIV Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. One thing you need to realize about all of the commands to us from God in the scriptures, they are given to us by God, not to restrict us from having a good life, but to enable us to have a good life. When everyone does Whatever they want anarchy results, even in our personal lives. The result of that is chaos in our life followed by stress and depression and if not taken care of could result in long term mental problems or dependence on mood and mind altering drugs. God wants us to have a good life and the more of his guidance we follow from his word, the better our lives will be. Don’t Be Preoccupied With Anything Else The
First Year Of Marriage
When you do find miss right and get married again, take some advice from God and spend a lot of quality time with her, especially during the first year of marriage. Get it off on the right foot at the start. It will pay dividends a lot higher than those you will receive from spending extra hours at the office. Remember this, has anyone on their deathbed ever said, I wish I had spent more time at work? I don’t think so. Deu 24:5 When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken. After all of the problems you and your new wife have been through in the past, the first year is the time to generate many new positive memories together. Wipe those bad memories out, and even the good memories of time with your previous spouse and replace them with new happy, cheerful, joyful and blissful memories with your new wife. This will provide a good foundation for a long and satisfying relationship. Don’t make the same mistake again of having your new wife say a year down the road, I should have never married this fellow, all he does is work and pursue his own interests and ignore my needs. She’s most likely been there, done that, and so have you. It's OK to make mistakes, thats how we learn. Just don't make the same mistakes twice. If you want to stay married, make your first year together as wonderful as possible. Build as many new and positive memories as fast as you can. After that you might have to concentrate on other things for a few years, but even then, make sure you spend at least a few hours of quality time with your spouse each week, and that doesn’t mean letting her bring you a beer while you’re watching football in your underwear. Chapter 13: > 13. Biblical Narrative Instructions |